Appalachia Humor from Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler

Some excerpts from "Laughter in Appalachia - a Festival of Southern Mountain Humor" by Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler
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What a Baptist is

   In Appalachia, somebody said, everybody is a Baptist, underneath it all.
  A Methodist is a Baptist who's afraid of water; a Presbyterian is a Baptist who went to college; an Episcopalian is a Baptist whose deals all worked out; a Unitarian is a Baptist who can't count; and a Catholic is a Baptist convert upon whom the full import of Calvinism has just dawned.

 A Conversation on Religion

  A missionary came into the mountains to see how many people he could save for the Lord and from a way of life that he had read about in local color novels. He spied an old man sitting on his front porch enjoying the afternoon sun. He went up in the man's yard and without so much as a howdy said, "Brother, are you lost?"
   "Why, no," the man said. "I've been living here forty years."
   "I mean, have you found Jesus?"
   "Now, I didn't realize he was lost. The Bible says he's in heaven until he comes again."
   "What I mean is, are you a member of the Christian band?"
   "No, but there's a Bill Christian who lives about five miles over the ridge."
   "My question is, are you ready for the Judgement Day?"
   "When is it?"
   "It may be next week or it may be next year. We just don't know."
   "Well, when you find out, you let me know. The wife may want to go both days."

Kinfolks
  The country preacher awoke one morning to find a dead mule on the highway in front of his home.
  He called the county health department and said, "This is Reverend Jones. There's a dead mule on the road in front of my house and I'd appreciate having it removed as promptly as possible."
  The young clerk who answered the call thought he would have a little fun. "Uh, Reverend Jones," he said, "I always thought you preachers took care of the dead yourselves."
  The preacher caught on to the kidding in the young man's tone, but he didn't let on.  His reply was serious.
  "We do, yes.  But in the case of jackasses we like to speak to the next of kin first."

Charitable Contribution
  An agent from the IRS called a preacher and said, "One of your church members, Sam Harris, put down on his income tax return that he had given $300 to the church. Is that true?"
  The preacher thought for a minute and replied, "If he didn't, he will."